I can’t. ..

I’m going to be disloyal, or hypocritical, I don’t know which the word is, to my last post. But I’m crashing tonight. I can’t do it. I’m done and I haven’t got anything to be able to go on. I know it’s stupid and they say it’s not worth getting worked up over, it can be fixed; but it’s done and I ran out a long time ago. Why can’t anyone hear me? Why do they tell me it’s okay? It’s not anxiety it’s desperation and just needing one tiny thing to hold onto – no I’m not strong enough without anything to cling to and I know it’s stupid it’s so small but it really, really matters when everything else is too much and spiraling apart.

So it’s taken away as well and I’m done. Nobody will come and nobody can hear me screaming (stupid nasty spoiled child inside me and stupid ugly needing. ..) Even now I’ve told them the very worst and how much I can’t do it and nobody will come. And I won’t go to the hospital and I don’t deserve it and I don’t want them to stop me because I don’t want to go on and it’s nobody’s fault or responsibility but mine. I should have been able to do it.

I don’t think I can do any good…

I cut and cut but it wasn’t enough. I don’t think I can feel anything but this spent, hurting, screaming silently, needing it over.

I don’t think I can go to work tomorrow or anymore. Not even go out. I don’t know how to get to tomorrow. I’ll lose my job again. Well it’s clear enough I’m rubbish anyway. They’ll want me out of my house. I’ve wasted so much again. I should have done good. But I’m so so … just had it…

And everything I say I’m scared and whoever I tell I might manipulate or they think it’s to threaten or think it’s just stupid and not worth it and just get over it. ..and I’m scared of my anger. I’m sliding in and out of dissociative states right now.

To me it can be all I am holding to and I’m on the edge of ending it all, but to someone else it’s nothing, not worth it, and just fine that more and more is taken that I was clinging to and more and more heaped on that I cannot cope with. I can’t cope with this detachment itself either and knowing every worst feeling is invalid.

13 thoughts on “I can’t. ..”

      2. Do you know, you really do help me by taking the time to care and comment on here. It helps me to be able to write things on this blog – it’s a place that’s safer than a lot of face to face interactions are for me. I guess the problems I have aren’t things anyone else can fix however knowing others care and hope really does help. xx

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    1. Wow Daisy – thank you so so much. I’m sorry for being slow to reply. This has been a very very hard few days. I’m extremely moved that you nominated me. I’m totally new to this so thank you for your link because otherwise I wouldn’t have known what I need to do – I will write the post this afternoon…
      Thank you so much again
      xx

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  5. I hear you loud and clear, all the way from Finland. I know about the crazy trying to get out, trying to be heard. I was there 20 years ago and I am there again. The only difference is that now I am profoundly Deaf and legally blind. But I would take Deaf any day. People look at me like a freak when I say that – like Deaf are so …not there. Fuck them.

    Twenty years ago, I was in such a bad place, but all the police could do was tell me to run for my life. My son had just died. My ex wanted to hurt me even more. But all I could do was run. My family just smiled, thinking I was going on a little holiday. They didn’t know I was running. They didn’t know what he was really like until I published a book last year telling the whole truth. They all blamed themselves because I didn’t tell them and it made me feel even worse. The final straw was when my house was broken into. I didn’t care that they took all my things, but in breaking the screen on my door, the burglars let me cat run away. I broke. I cried so hard and I cried for so long that I lost every single bit of physical feeling. My tears made my skin go numb and I needed to feel something that was not emotional pain. I know about cutting.

    Now, twenty years after the fact, my husband is finally discovering where all the scars came from. Most people don’t get it. They associate cutting and suicide. Those are the people who truly do have no idea. I sought out a good doctor and she put me on anti-depressants – the ones that do not make you all zombie-like. Zoloft, Sertraliini are both good. The emotional pain buggers off real quick and you can finally start to feel again. It was such a welcome thing… being able to feel normal after being so out there for so long. I no longer had to scream.

    I don’t know you personally, but even as a profoundly Deaf woman, I can hear you and I care. xx

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    1. Thank you so much. I am so sorry for what you had to go through with nobody hearing you or helping you. I’m so sorry you didn’t get help when you’d lost so much. I can only imagine the pain of losing a child and how much everything thereafter hurts too. You took such a brave step running away to a life with help and then finding help and telling what happened to you. What did keep you going to get help? I am very glad you found a good doctor and found the medication that helps. You went through so much worse than me before that. How did you keep on? I used to try one day one hour more – but I’ve run out of energy for that and everything I’m supposed to do. And the longer I’m screaming the harder it gets…
      Thank you for understanding. Thank you so much. I can’t trust anyone who’s around me right now so it really helps that you take the time to read and comment.
      Xxx

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      1. Fear (sheer terror that he would be nearby and see me) is what kept me from getting help.

        Learning that I am worth it – something I tell myself every day now – is what keeps me going. I also watch SCRUBS a lot. Laughter is an amazing elixir ♥

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  6. And I am so happy that you are able to know you are worth it. You really are. And you have come through so much fear. .. I really wish good things for you now, and encouragement every day.
    Yes I’m in favour of Scrubs 🙂
    Xx

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