I’m failing so much as a friend. My friend R is going through a terrible situation, or many terrible situations. Daily there seems to be the next piece of devastating news.
He needs me. He trusts me.
I so want to be there. Be generous. Love. Hope. Be patient. Do every practical thing I can and be there and listen. Be warm and somehow say something, pray something, still be there when he’s losing strength.
I’m scared. Scared I’m watching him die.
Why am I failing in compassion? Right when it’s most needed? Why am I feeling dread and frustration and exhaustion? Struggling with freezing when I want to respond compassionately? Like my brain is just shutting down in overload. I need to be there but I’m overwhelmed with pain for him, but also overwhelmed completely by his need.
I’m scared I’m the only one he trusts, only one he speaks to about certain things. It’s dangerous.
I can’t be this.
Why am I getting unable to respond or even angry? Explosive inside? I’m failing at the most important things in friendship, love and compassion.
My chest hurts. Something is rushing in my ears and I’m dizzy. I thought I was going to faint earlier….