Alone again, naturally

What do we do when we desperately wish someone could hear us? When we know fully that it is not anyone else’s responsibility to save us, yet we wish there were someone beside us. Is it disallowed, not to find oneself alone in the end?

Why do we keep trusting when we know what will come and know soon enough they will no longer choose to be there and why does the alone hurt more every time?

When we know nobody would choose us first, nobody would willingly turn and open to us, nobody really thinks we can bring good, but we long most desperately to give, give at any cost, and we are always here, for it is just obvious and right to us to be, though we are almost always dismissed – where can we try to be a friend?

When we’re screaming and hiding and hurting and clinging by a thread and falling over the edge, fragmenting, when maybe we dared share a little to someone or count on a tiny thing – and even that doesn’t come or they don’t respond – what do we do as we fall apart?

Is it terrible to be angry when we’re left there?

I don’t ask anyone to rescue me but just someone to answer and sometimes stay a little while beside me and please, please not disappear. To sometimes name the first move, come willingly and share and please not hate me when I cannot do all you think I should, please remember it is not an equation and I can’t always give out what you think I should.

I so so much need you right now and I am so much here if only you would allow me.

But perhaps most of all I should stop longing because I’ve learnt well enough what the end will always be – gone away, left alone. Alone should cause less pain as there would be no more losses so why does my inside scream and make alone so painful too?

I wish I could trust someone to answer. To ask how I am and actually want to know the answer, nor just the portion of it they deem acceptable or allow to be considered. To maybe call me or send a text if they know it’s a very bad time. To keep to an arrangement to meet and know how I will shatter if they cancel at the last minute because I was clinging so very very tight to that little bit of strength the meeting would give.  To stay a little while in understanding when I’m terrified, not just say it’ll soon be over.

All these little things are obvious  to me and so natural to give to a friend I would not think of doing anything else. Yet so very rarely do I ever encounter them myself. I suppose this tells me again if I had any doubt that I’m not if any value in a relationship to anyone and am not allowed even these most basic things.

And anger burns behind the hurt, with everyone who left and with myself, for needing, yet again.

 

(Title from song ‘Alone Again’ by Vonda Shepherd)

7 thoughts on “Alone again, naturally

  1. Oh my dear one! I could have written these words. I know this type of pain, the questioning and confusion. For more years than I can count, this is where I spent my thoughts. Today, after dealing with multiple tragedies and events and loss, I am now in a place to just try to love myself. Yes, having love and care from others would be nice but I am finding I don’t necessarily need it anymore. I know that actually sounds sad but it is a positive thing. I have never loved myself, ever, and these last couple months, after some revelations and realizations, I am starting to. I so want that for you too. I am here if you ever need or want to talk. I will listen and I will understand. HUGS!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kindness and talking the trouble to write. It sounds as if you are coming to a very strong place now. I think I can start to understand though I have a long way to go before I reach it also. In being able to give yourself love and actually not need the love of others – wow, that’s something that I think I’d almost say gives a strength and freedoM? I don’t know if you’d agree. It’s a strange question but, did the longing need for love go away? I know that’s only one side of it. .. but it’s something I have to admit I feel much as I really wish I didn’t. Then there’s being able to love oneself rather than just seeing myself as causing pain, evil and needing punishment.
      Thank you for your words and insight.
      Ginny x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh sweetness, I have a long way to go as well. I am only at the start of trying to love myself and break away from needing it from others. With what little I have felt thus far, I can say I believe there most definitely is a freedom in it! In all honestly though, I don’t think the need for love from others ever truly goes away; I think we can just learn to accept when it is not there and that it is not necessarily a reflection of us. Does that make any sense? HUGS to you my dear!!!

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      2. Thank you. Yes it does make sense. I think to be able to accept when it is not there we must be able to accept ourselves and as you say, love ourselves, independent of the reactions, communication, responses, affection etc that we receive from others. And that can be very very hard.
        Hugs to you as well xx

        Liked by 1 person

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