I’m still struggling to process what I’m feeling after therapy group on Friday. Tomorrow I have my 1:1 appointment and I know we will be talking about it. It is going to be so hard to go and even harder to go back to group when it comes around this Friday.
Just when I’d dared to start to think it’s okay, it isn’t. Just when I’d started to think group might be a safe place, somewhere that you can dare to speak about things that are otherwise forbidden, it isn’t.
Just when I’d started to let my guard down a little and trust, it turns out I’ve hurt everyone and didn’t even know. How did I not know? Usually I can feel it right away and know it’s my fault and this time I didn’t. I so so needed to trust them there and now I can’t. I couldn’t understand what I was feeling then last night the thought hit me – what if actually I’m angry and hurting because I feel I can’t trust them? I did the wrong and I caused the hurt but what if I’m angry because I feel people didn’t say what was really happening?
What if I’m angry because I feel I can trust or speak anymore?
What if I’m angry because I really needed to trust and yet again it all breaks down, just as usual, every other time? I know and felt so so strongly they hate me, they are angry, they don’t want me there, they hate me, they’re angry, and they’re angry for each other too because I’ve done wrong and got it wrong and they think I’m nasty, a fake, no right to be there, they just want me to go away and just put up with me because they had to. What if that made me angry as well as guilty because I can never know where I am and know I must never ever let anyone close but so desperately need people?
Does anyone else ever just wish they could never have to speak again?
The hallucinations are multiplying as my thoughts spiral through all these things.
Ginny xxx
Dignity Beyond Trauma 
Yes, many times I felt that way. I realize that was when I cared more about others feelings than my own. I use to live completely for what others thought or desired as though my feelings meant nothing. My esteem was so low there was never a dull moment – everything I did or said wasn’t right in my head. So I tried to silence myself and I couldn’t. One day I realized that I couldn’t because I wasn’t meant to. I now know that I am a reasonable force to be reckoned with and it is a beautiful thing – no one’s permission is needed for me to exist and be okay with myself. It was a long and arduous journey to where I am now. I wish you the best!
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Thank you. I am very happy for you that you have come to this point in your journey which I know must be taking a lot of constant work. Giving ourselves permission to feel and need and still be okay along with the risks it entails…certainly that’s part of what I need to learn. Thank you for your encouragement.
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