Thoughts too close to the edge

I really don’t know if carrying on with therapy is a good thing or not at the moment. I am more broken now than before I started this route and know more certainly that I’m on my own in it. I can’t keep trying to fight through day to day, to go to work and to keep going to therapy. I’m starting to wonder if it wouldn’t be better to just push everything back down again and live in my imaginary world. I functioned better day to day when I was anorexic and numb to everything. There isn’t enough support outside therapy to keep it going.

I keep on hanging on to things desperately, for them to be snatched away. The only times I’m not alone are when I’m faking it, even if I’m doing a bad job of that. When I can’t do it, when I am on the point of taking my life, when I am cutting, when I am terrified by the flashbacks, I’m on my own every time. Apparently I’m not allowed anyone there. Apparently I “wouldn’t qualify” for any social care support, and no family or friend wants to be a carer for me. I know they have no responsibility for me but that still really hurts.

I am thankful for my friends. I am not trying to be ungrateful. They do much more than I could ever ask. I know they can’t be there. I know often they are there when I can’t possibly believe they would still want to know me, after I’ve lost it and screamed and snapped.

Trying to keep going used to help. But now I get closer and closer to complete breaking point every day.

I’m going for another appointment at the hospital tomorrow for my 1:1 and I think I’ll tell her I’m thinking about not carrying on therapy. Things feel very very dangerous and close to the edge right now.

4 thoughts on “Thoughts too close to the edge

  1. I can sort of relate. I hate seeing my counselor. I feel bad the night before I go and I am a basket case the day of my appointment. She is no help!! I don’t have health insurance so she is my only choice and the county mental health clinic. I just wish I had a local support group. I feel I am in this battle alone. However reading posts here help some. I feel atleast a few people understand me. I wish it was possible for us to talk privately, by messages. I am not a phone person. I believe we could help eachother just a little. Please know I don’t “know” you persay but I can relate and I care. ♡

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  2. Please don’t give up on your therapy. Talk about what you have just written. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I know it is a hard struggle but it can and does get better when you use your support xxx

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  3. Please don’t give up sweetie! Never apologise for how you feel and never feel like there’s no one there for you. I know personally we only know others through their blogs but there is a reason we all read each other’s thoughts and fears and that’s because we know, we understand, we support you and to an extent we love you for who you are and your bravery in facing up to a life-consuming illness. Stay strong, for us, but mostly for you xxx

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