Scared I’ll lose it again

Tomorrow I have my usual weekly group therapy, then I have my monthly care coordination appointment (it’s supposed to be monthly but has been canceled more often than not since October last year). It’s challenging at the best of times when this appointment comes round, especially when it closely follows therapy group on the same day, which is draining in itself.

I’m very worried about the care coordination tomorrow. Last month I was really upset and desperate in the appointment, didn’t get the help I felt I needed to stay safe and left wanting to end my life and overdosed. There was a complete lack of understanding between me and my care coordinator.

I’m scared something similar may happen. I’m scared that I might lose it like I did a couple of weeks ago. I’m so so ashamed of that and I feel dread when I think of it. I’m scared I won’t be able to control what I do and it’ll happen again because I’m so unstable right now, flicking into distress and hurt and anger so quickly.

Also, I’m scared because there are really difficult things I want and need to say. I can’t say everything’s good and fine or that I’ve made progress; I can’t say I think I have the support I need because there are massive issues and have been huge failures in communication and so many things promised have not been acted on. I now operate by expecting nothing from the service and expecting whatever is arranged not to happen. It’s “safer” that way. It doesn’t open me up with hope and trust then twist the knife with another let down or betrayal. It means I don’t ask for help either.

I need to communicate these things. I never do, usually, but if I don’t there’s no going forward. So I’m going to try to say at least some of them and write a letter as well in the next few days.

I do not know how to stay calm whilst I do it. How do you stop yourself losing it? How do you control the aftermath of feelings without harming yourself? How do you keep your emotions level when things that are really deep hurts to you, are unanswered or ignored?

I’d be seriously thankful for any suggestions!

Ginny xxx

9 thoughts on “Scared I’ll lose it again

  1. Check out this website Ginny. They may be able to chat to you -https://www.sicknotweak.com/chat/ Have a good look at what this community offers. Chase up any loose ends. Doctor, med changes or whatever it is. Don’t lose your voice xx ❤ Carry on writing.

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  2. Hi Ginny, I really hope the therapy and appointment went well today 🙂 it can be really tough when the people who are supposed to support you keep letting you down. Good luck with your letter, I really hope it enables better understanding between you and your care coordinator. x

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  3. Wow. I can’t see everything because I’m just on my phone at the moment but this looks like a really unusual and valuable thing. I’ll look more at how the chat works when I’m on a computer. Thank you. I like the way it’s a community. Thank you for your encouragement. The care coordination appointment didn’t go well today (I’ll probably post about it in the next few days). Felt like everything I said and felt was minimised and dismissed. So it helps a lot to have your friendship and support xx

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  4. Hey, I’m sorry that you’re having such a tough time 😦 I hate that others feel this too. I don’t have much to offer as I’m quite lost & learning myself, especially when it comes to emotions, but one thing I discovered lately that helps me with self harm a little is sinking my into a bucket or bowl full of ice and cold water, the pain and the redness has helped me for a few weeks now. I’m not saying it’s a fix, it’s really hard, but it’s been ok for me. I hope it helps you too. Sending you hugs x

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    1. Thank you. That is fantastic that you have found that helps you. My CPN also recommended I try ice or cold water, or a cold shower, or even putting your head under cold water for 20 seconds. It shocks the body giving immediately a strong sensation other than the difficult emotion we are feeling, and our bodies can only experience a certain number of sensations at once, so this may help bring the emotion down. To a point I find this kind of thing helps. Thank you for reminding me about the ice. Can I ask do you find that when you have the urge to self-harm you can stop and think enough to use this technique? Sometimes the compulsion is so strong I just don’t remember the alternatives. But I do find it helps a bit.
      And I think you have a lot to offer. We are all trying to learn how to cope and how to feel the emotions safely.
      Thank you for commenting.
      xxx

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      1. I do both ice (lots of it!) and really cold water. It’s odd but if I just put ice on my arm or just use cold water, it doesn’t work, it has to be both. And lots of it. Nobody explained what happens exactly to me though, thank you for that 🙂 I can’t always stop & do it, not yet anyway. There’s a certain point where I’m gone and the technique is the last thing on my mind, but I’m trying to catch it early & do something about it before it gets too bad. If I don’t always manage, that’s fine – at least I’m trying. Yeah, it’s really nice to speak to others in the same position, I’ve found blogging & Twitter really helpful with learning about mental health. Thank you for messaging back! Take care lovely xxx

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      2. That’s interesting. I wonder why. Thanks. I better get some ice cube trays 😉 !
        Yes that’s very true. We don’t manage it every time yet but it is a learning process and we will no doubt get better at it and sharing experiences here helps. I agree the internet can give several valuable sources of support xx

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      3. Yeah, strange isn’t it?! I’ve given up trying to figure it out, it’s mind boggling. We will one day feel better! Our chat will be all about how much we’ve overcome one day 🙂 xx

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