Camera One closes in, the soundtrack starts, the scene begins- you’re playing you now…
on the corner of a street, in a lawn chair in the heat, sightseers see what they want, you’re selling star maps to the sun…
(Josh Jopin – Camera One)
The disconnection between what’s going on inside me and what I have to be on the outside is scaring me. I’m getting worse at it. Out of control emotions are scaring me, especially explosive rage. I’m losing control. It feels as if everything I feared might happen if I stopped self harming is now unfolding rapidly and I’m losing it.
I’m faking being alright whilst I’m dissociating inside, until a dream-state traps me and I can’t function or speak, or until for no good reason at all the anger explodes.
I have to take responsibility and I desperately don’t want to run away from this but I have no control in those times. I’ve been taken over by a dangerous angry screaming force that can only hurt, or a needing, crying child. Afterwards for days it’s as if I’m just watching myself playing a part.
I don’t know how to break out of it.