I wish we knew we’d get to the end of this together

I feel so sad today. Too many people are leaving in all areas of my life.

Someone has left our therapy group and will not be returning. I can’t post too much about it so as not to break confidentiality. I’m scared for her. We don’t know why she left. We did not get to talk with her about it because she stopped coming suddenly a few weeks ago and then the therapists told us today that she isn’t coming back. I miss her. Already. She saw herself as so bad but clearly had so much good about her. I really really wish we could have helped her. I’m scared for her – for what will happen to her, where she’ll get help and what she may do. I felt a lot in common with her. Often she spoke what I was too afraid to. She had been so so hurt by terrible experiences in her life. I so wanted to keep her safe but feared she was so hurt and kept running into so many circumstances of further pain and not being able to trust people, that she would not be really happy this side of heaven. I have to accept her decision and know I can only give her into Our Lord’s hands and pray for her now.

In the last couple of sessions people have been leaving group early because it has been too distressing or unhelpful for them. I panic when someone leaves. Or people withdraw and don’t want to talk anymore. Again I panic. I don’t want anyone else to go away. So often it seems to be my fault and so often I’m flashing back to being a child and my mother threatening to go away because of me or that she and my dad would be taken away because of me. ..or to the times she stopped speaking and I couldn’t elicit any response or her “absences”… and I wish, please please don’t go away. I wish we knew at least in group that we’d all get to the end of the course together.

I miss N, I miss two other people I thought were close and I’ve lost in the past weeks. I miss the hope there was in the existence of that relationship that I could do some good for them or be needed. I miss what little sense of safety there was that I wouldn’t be left that time and wasn’t doing harm.

I miss any sense of there being a few narrow circumstances at least, where I could think I did a good job or the right thing. The last part of that was lost with my failure in my last job and the loss of so many important relationships.

I cry and cry again but it doesn’t go away.

Ginny xxx

7 thoughts on “I wish we knew we’d get to the end of this together

  1. just a thought Ginny. Goodbyes are hard but inevitable – maybe that girl who spoke like she was speaking for you. You could be that girl. You could speak and you never know who is listening and connecting and who you are helping xxx You are a strong lady. I have every faith that you can deal with this. xxxx

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  2. Thank you. I think I’m learning to speak. It’s funny the things that teach us to sometimes 🙂 I believe you and I know you mean it; I don’t think I can yet believe for myself I’ll get through it but if I can’t do that yet maybe I can try to believe in being able to good in small ways, along the way.
    Sending big hugs xxx

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  3. Is there any way you can help focus inwards on yourself and what you need to be getting out of group and your own treatment? Have you made friends through group? It sounds like you were close to these two people, and I’m sorry to hear they have gone their separate ways. I doubt it was your fault at all, and it certainly wasn’t your fault what happened to you as a child.

    Keep holding on, hun. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you warm thoughts. ❤ ❤ You are most certainly a warrior and a survivor.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Thank you for your encouragement. That means a lot. Yes I do feel I have friends in the group and that we’re able to trust each other. That’s a very special thing. There are at least a couple of people I’d like to stay in touch with once we finish group.
      I’m about half way through the program now. That thought is often scary. I do feel I’m getting things from it but it is going by too fast and I think I should be further on given the time I’ve got left in therapy…then again I can see I’ve achieved things looking at where I came from when I started xx

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      1. Any time, lovely! ❤
        Awww, that is sweet! I hope you'll be able to keep in touch with them and they with you!

        It's a DBT program, right? Is it the one that's a year long or is it shorter?
        Maybe you can journal or blog about all the stuff you've achieved and learned thus far in the group and through treatment. It may be that you've gained more traction in treatment than you've been able to recognize right now, but will be able to see with further perspective as time goes by!
        I find it fascinating to record and keep information of when certain efforts in my recovery began, it makes it very interesting to look back on and also reminds me of some details I've forgotten about. I actually want to blog about this topic more in the future! It's nice to be reminded that I didn't go from bad to recovered right away, it was a process and I'm still learning it! =]

        I wish you the best of luck hun!! ❤ ❤ ❤ You've got this!

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