I am feeling bad because I’ve not managed to post on several things I hoped to and a couple of them I’d promised to. I should just stop saying I’ll post on x at a certain time because too often I fail to! I should be able to stick to these things. It’s not just about posting; there are so many daily tasks that are taking me much longer than usual and things I want to get done that I haven’t done. It hasn’t been a great few days. I keep saying that. I’m trying not to think of them as bad days because that dismisses the good things that can still happen and the fact that the Lord is always bringing good from every situation.
I haven’t been feeling stable. I’ve had a lot of forms to fill in for out of work / disability Benefits. I’ve had to try to explain my conditions and go to assessments. My support worker is helping me a lot and the hospital I go to for therapy is providing supporting letters that have to go along with the forms I submit. Things are not going badly and without my support worker’s help I wouldn’t be getting through it as I am. It’s still difficult and raises a lot of obsessional thoughts. Whenever I talk to people about my health conditions in this kind of context, or ask for help, afterwards the voices go mad and shout at me that I’ve lied and I’m a fake and everything becomes terrible and hollow and full of dread and guilt. I feel so stupid because this means even when things go well and get sorted out, instead of pure relief, I feel stressed and I’m having to overcome what the voices and hallucinations tell me: that I don’t deserve the help, that I’m a fake.
Physically I am really struggling and getting scared by how little I can walk at the moment. I’m needing to sleep a lot. The pain means I’m needing to lie down often and I’m trying not to give into it as I know doing nothing isn’t good for me either. I’ve tried to keep at least stepping outside into my little garden and enjoy so many things I do have which are good, like talking to a friend on the phone, trying to create something pretty with my meditative colouring books, even an interesting TV programme or passage in a book.
I don’t want to keep on complaining and being negative so I won’t keep writing but I just wanted to try to explain how things have been.
One thought on “Feeling very useless again”
I don’t think you’re complaining at all hun. It sounds like you’re going through a lot and it sucks that you’re dealing with the physical pain. Do you have a condition that causes it? I apologize if I’ve asked before and you’ve told me, it’s a skill to keep track of each person in the blogging world, one I’m not yet used to 😳
I think reminding yourself that you’re doing the best that you can right now is a good step forwards. And, I also have the same problem–I say I’m going to do a post on X topic by Z day and the week just saunters by without my having done so. So, in that at least, you’re not alone.
Also, it’s good you’re doing what you can to keep busy and positively cope. Sorry to hear the obsessional thoughts are being such assholes to you, you don’t deserve that one bit, and I hope they grow silent soon enough, or you’re able to cognitively restructure them (if that helps you). Have you ever tried making a coping box? Maybe you could write yourself a letter when you’re feeling better or, in a way doing so now, to tell your unwell self the good things about you, or your life or things to that nature. If you know what I mean?