WARNING: contains a very brief mention of eating disorders and abuse in childhood
Well. It’s kind of ironic given my post yesterday about uncertainty in relationships. At least the uncertainty in the particular relationship I had in mind at the end of the post has been cleared up. Cleared up with one massive blow. I’ve rarely felt more hurt and betrayed and rejected though I’m not sure quite why the impact has been so consuming.
I have tried to talk with my friend about what has happened in our relationship over the past months / couple of years and some of how I’ve been feeling.
After a line of further rejections from her, her not hearing when I tried to be honest and explain some most painful things, her not believing as far as I can see, what I experience and what has happened to me in the past – today she told me I have no reason to feel upset or hurt or angry, that I have no right to feel as I do, that because I have a feeling does not mean it is right, that I am to come before God and see if I have any moral right to feel as I do because I don’t, I am to push it down and rise above it.
I was filled with a massive surge of anger and raw hurt. It has not stemmed any in the hours since.
Coupled with her rejection of me and her disbelief or at least dismissal and ignoring of severely traumatic things that have happened to me in my childhood and right now, it was an immensely hurtful judgement of me. And how strange she thinks that she has the power to decide what feelings I am morally allowed to experience and what is real and what is not.
The terrors associated with feelings I thought were sinful, feelings I was not allowed, feelings that were so dangerous, that I had to atone for and punish myself for, were together with my terror of my ultimate evil, the way that I got to life threatening anorexia and then bulimia, daily self harm, overdosing and attempting to end my life. These feelings kept me submissive and within my abuser’s control. The feelings my friend’s judgement of my experience, my feelings, their and my morality, where I stand with God, the truth and validity of what has happened to me, brought in me straight back there again. Straight away my impulse was to cut and make myself vomit. But something had happened to my legs and I was shaking too much to do anything and perhaps that was blessed protection. I just cried.
It hurts worse because this came from one of the very few people I trusted. Someone I shared things with. Someone who brought me to the church and whose child is my godson. Thank the dear Lord I did not share with her the very worst of the abuse I suffered. If I had I don’t think I’d cope in any way now. I already feel violated again. Tricked, ripped apart, judged, rejected, punished, blamed.
As well as the hurt that’s making me go to pieces, I wanted to scream – feelings are not a sin. I have many reasons to feel very hurt, angry, scared… Feelings are not moral or immoral. Who is she to judge what I have a moral right to feel? I have a massive amount of pain and hurt and yes sometimes anger about the abuse. That is normal. Yes, when I’m not believed, dismissed and rejected and abandoned when I’m most desperate, that cuts a little deeper every time and yes emotionally I end up right back where I was in the terror of the abuse. This is not a sin or something I have to crush. I am not a sugar plaster “saint” too “holy” to have any feeling but happiness and superficial love, floating on some supernatural plane disconnected from every real feeling. That’s what she wants. I am not that figure. I am bleeding.
She was the last person left, outside this blog and community and apart from my therapist, with whom I had the depth of trust I thought I did. Perhaps it’s as well it’s gone. I will be very very careful indeed in the future (even more than I already am) about what closeness I allow to develop.
But the hurt is consuming. I am falling into pieces. Shattering. I haven’t gone home yet as I was scared what I’d do and of being alone. But I’m exhausted now and I have to go home. I’ll stay safe somehow. If I can’t I’ll have to go to A&E. I tried to get to the safe place I’ve been to before but they are full tonight.
2 thoughts on “One massive punch”
I’m so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. The people we open up to & dare to trust are given without knowing,the ability to hurt us as much as our abuser.. As I said before,I very much relate to your blog. The person who lead me to the Lord has also broken me with words similar to your experience, I find myself thinking that I must be truly impossible to love.
I ‘hit’ like on your blog- I dont like that you feel the way you do,but like very much your ability to express your feelings in such an eloquent way.
I hope you found a safe place xxx
Thank you Tilly. I am really sorry you have been through this experience too. I agree with you that the people we trust with what happened to us can hurt us as much as those who abuse us. I’m really sorry that you’ve had similar experiences with someone you really trusted too. I find it can be all the more painful when these betrayals involve our faith or our church community. I’m praying for you and praying God’s love be shown to you through the people around you, and comfort you. You are His beloved from the start, but I know we cannot get through life alone and it hurts. I think abuse makes it near impossible to believe we can be loved because our abusers so twisted our understanding of who we are, what we receive and give to others, what love is. It’s a different terrible experience for each of us but I think that’s a common outcome. I hope that you have some people who are there and act in love towards you xxx
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