Guilt. Guilt, unease, fear, trepidation of what will come.
Therapy group was painful today. My mind was spiraling with so many thoughts of what I desperately needed to say but couldn’t communicate. Everyone had so much they were feeling and so much that had happened.
I just know I’ve hurt and upset everyone. I know they’re all thinking you’re nasty, stupid, weird, fraud, go away, angry with me, hurt because of me. Cold and away and just wanted me to go and didn’t want to speak to me anymore and didn’t want me there… and I think someone left because of me and I’m scared what she’ll do and what have I done?
And I really really needed this group so much.
I’d just started to trust and now I’ve hurt everyone and they’re frustrated and angry and I can’t give what they need and it’s wrong and why why ever did I start trusting or thinking it would be okay? Why did I let my guard down and not see the hurt I was causing? Why haven’t i learnt that if I think something will be alright and start to trust that’s right when I cause harm?
I can’t put the details of what happened or what we talked about here because it would break confidentiality for other people.
It will be very hard to go back next week. It will be very hard to go to my 1:1 therapy on Monday too. I can tell they don’t want me now. I’d really started to need them. I’ve messed it all up like every other time.