A couple of days before Christmas I hit the lowest point I had been for many weeks.
I had had enough. I couldn’t go forward anymore. I was past hurting into utterly gone and spent and hopeless. I couldn’t see anything past giving up and that there was no good I could do anymore. I was going to end it all. I knew what I’d do and I knew I’d do it then and that I didn’t want help.
My friend realised. She and her husband talked to me and what they said that night saved me. Despite everything being so dark for me they somehow told me I could do good and could be wanted. I didn’t want them to know but my guard was down. And they were there miles beyond what I deserved.
I never tell anyone or let anyone know when I feel like I’m going to end it. I never tell when I’m self harming either. I do tell my doctor / CPN but at the time I’m doing / feeling it, I’d never tell a friend or family member because I fear if they knew, they would feel responsible for stopping me. I absolutely can’t put that on anyone. It is not for them to stop me when I’m at that point. Ever. If i do it it is my action alone.
But now my friend knows and I’m scared what does that mean now? Does she now feel that responsibility I tried to avoid putting on anyone? They saved me. What do I do now I owe to them the fact I’m still here going on now? Without them I’d have done that. I feel utter gratitude but equally even to tell them, as I have tried to, may put responsibility onto them, to watch me or stop me.
Thanks be to God I am not feeling in that state right now but I do know it may – almost certainly will – happen again.
I so don’t want anyone to feel responsible for me or worry for me.