Out of it

I’m going between boiling anger that I can’t stand (a force rising inside me which I can’t swallow down, just force and power uncontrolled and bursting free) crushing anxiety with spiraling thoughts, lists, growing out of control faster than I can count, no air to breathe, dread that I can’t surmount, and numb.

Numb. Nothing. Stopped. Watching. Un-engaged. Dumb. Deaf. Hearing what everyone else says but it makes no sense and causes unbearable sensations if I try to respond – I need numb.

I’m drinking tonight to make sure I stay numb and make warmth and cotton wool replace the ache, distancing the hurt from my dissociated state so it can grow without sensing the raw pain or maddening and crushing demands of the ‘other’ (real) world.

The pain from my gynae problems has been scary too, as well as the arthritis. It’s almost funny – completely messed up inside and the physical stuff out of control too, things ‘breaking’ one after the other. Nothing medically serious but it does seem to make me as useless as possible in the real world.

I don’t often drink and it’s a dangerous and stupid choice, especially now. I’m in a really dangerous state right now. I tried and couldn’t get help. I can’t choose rationally what to do. I’m saying it’ll just be tonight and tomorrow I’ll try to face it all again.

6 thoughts on “Out of it

  1. I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult period. Drinking as you know is not the answer. Last night I was so worried about weighing myself on my scales to see if I have put n weight ( started eating sort of normally) and I took a bunch of diazepam and lorazepam. It was a stupid thing to do. I didn’t feel woozy and high. I didn’t like how I felt on them. Yesterday is gone. Today is a fresh page. Is there anyone who you can call? There is a lot of help in the U.K. but not so sure about other parts of the world xx hang in there. The wheel always turns- there will be shit moments and happy moments. ‘The only thing that is constant is change’ -I love this quote xx

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    1. Sorry for being so slow to reply Daisy. This has been a weird week. I’m sorry that things have been overwhelming for you too. You’ve done so well staying strong through changing how you’re eating. I know that’s scary. How are you feeling now?
      Yes I’m in the UK 🙂 There’s the out of hours GP service or 111 number I could call but I’m no good at doing that when I feel like I did when I wrote this. Also because I’ve had difficult experiences with the crisis team in my area it’s hard for me. Probably partly because it’s so overwhelming trying to explain to people who don’t know me. …
      I was fortunate my GP helped and I saw them 3 times in the last few days and a support worker once to try to deal with stresses with my benefits etc, so that helped.
      Thank you for caring enough to write.
      Xxx

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    1. Thank you Elsie. Today is different. I guess that does just prove that even the most terrible emotions are temporary. It’s a weird experience re-reading this post because I was so out of it at the time. I can remember the feeling and it’s not really so far away but it’s as if it wasn’t my voice that said these things. Scary. But also good that today is different.
      Today I’m very anxious and shaky. It’s been very hard to go out of the house. I’m going between short-lived highs then crushing anxiety and lows, really quickly. But I’m very thankful that the horrible state I was in has changed. Thank you for caring.
      How are you?
      Xxx

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      1. Today I’m having a terrible day. I was absolutely fine yesterday and today I’m in my room, haven’t left the house because of the anxiety and crying for absolutely no reason. It’s quite good being able to blog because you can read back on the worst days and reflect and compare them to now xx

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      2. I’m really sorry to hear that Elsie. Sending big hugs. It’s horrible to feel like that and it’s all the more scary sometimes when it hits you out of nowhere or you don’t know exactly why. I was like that a couple of days ago. You are so strong in that you manage to remember, whilst you are still feeling like this, that it will change, and to see that blogging helps with that in helping you look back to other times things got better and remembering that you really will come out of this hardest time again. When I’m really upset I just can’t see anything else. I’m hoping to learn how to hold on to something outside of myself but so far I’m struggling…
        Sending big hugs and praying for you xx

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