Shattered

I feel so drained. Every part of me aches. Even the joints in my hands. It takes a stupid amount of effort to do a tiny thing like hang the laundry or wash up. I want to stay wrapped in blankets and pillows in the safety of my sofa. I stayed there all morning clutching my stuffed animals that for some reason I still find childishly comforting. It felt like I was shaking and couldn’t calm and just wanted to cry.

It took an immense effort to go outside, but I did because I had to meet someone. My movements felt wrong and unsteady, my body going from sweaty to chilled and back again and so so tired.

Since I told to the police I feel a more vulnerable sadness. This is a new feeling I am even less able to control. Sadness separate from anger. Sadness of loss. Is it sadness perhaps for the first time separate from self disgust and self hate? Sadness of the little child part of me, that’s always with me, although she’s also lost.

2 thoughts on “Shattered

  1. I think feeling vulnerable is normal. You have exposed a huge secret. One that you kept hidden for a long time because maybe you felt more secure hiding it that sharing it. I’m not sure what your sadness means. It may be that little Ginny. I do feel that you being able to feel is a good thing. As painful as it seems xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you. I am wondering if it’s a new feeling of if I’ve only just started to acknowledge it. Doesn’t seem to make sense to say that, I guess, as I couldn’t feel without registering it, but in therapy we’ve talked a lot about dissociating from emotions until they reach boiling point. … I think you’re right about feeling more secure hiding it. Her lies told me it was safer to hide it. And having told everything I am more vulnerable, in a way, if it wasn’t my fault and isn’t excused by her sickness. Xx

    Like

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